Lol, I love me a good overly dramatic title!!!
But on to why we are here:
Very recently, I discovered that something I long believed I liked was not something I actually liked at all. Like, at all, at all.
In some ways, it was deeply liberating. Being able to see through the haze of confusion toward something resembling light.
In others, it was deeply unsettling. How could I have gone for so long not realizing that this was not something I actually preferred?
After reflecting, I realized it was because over time, I received messages, subtle and not so subtle, that it the “right thing to do.”
To add some specifics, I was in an institution where it was the popular thing. The thing that everyone wanted to do. The noble, righteous thing.
Compelling, successful, powerful people did that thing. Goodness was associated with that thing, virtue.
I spent much of my time within and a part of that institution. Was young and impressionable. When you think you don’t know what the world is, it’s easy to become entranced by the people who think they can tell you.
When you think you don’t know what the world is, it’s easy to become entranced by the people who think they can tell you.
And so, after time, I wanted to do the thing too.
Even though something tugged at me — something deep down and perhaps hard to discern — that it didn’t fit, “want” became “ought” and I followed a path, unthinkingly.
Besides, if you are presented with something that seems like the good and right thing — and if you are unsure of your own basic goodness — then it might seem easier and less scary to attach yourself to that thing in hopes of avoiding your internal confusion.
Even though something tugged at me — something deep down and perhaps hard to discern — that it didn’t fit, “want” became “ought” I followed a path, unthinkingly.
Earlier, I wrote about the value of resisting “going alone.” Or resisting the temptation to place one’s material possessions or worldly success above humanity and the natural world. This, deriving from an African proverb that warns against the pitfalls of “going alone.”
But aloneness, to be clear, has nothing to do with who is or isn’t around you in the physical sense.
Aloneness, as I meant it, and as I think is meant by the proverb (though am not a scholar on the subject so could totally be wrong) has to do with one’s recognition and appreciation for how the rest of humanity supports you, how nature supports you.
That is, you could be alone, meaning not physically nearby anyone else, while “not alone” meaning you are closely attuned with how you are a part of a larger order. How you are a part of nature.
Contrarily, you could be surrounded by people, and thinking only of how you have such a nice life with such nice people in it and how popular you are and be, in a sense, totally alone.
And it is this second type of aloneness, I think, on this day, that leads us to never know who we are, or what we really want.
That is, you could be alone, meaning not physically nearby anyone else, while “not alone” meaning you are closely attuned with how you are a part of a larger order. How you are a part of nature.
When I look back to that earlier time when I embraced a choice I didn’t really want, it’s striking to me that I was rarely alone in the physical sense. To the contrary, I was more often surrounded by people or at least had them close by.
But I was alone in the sense that I had no awareness of why I was making the choices that I was making. I was alone in the sense that I didn’t realize that a disconnection from what I truly wanted was an insult to what arises when you allow what is already there, to be there.
I was alone in the sense that I didn’t realize that a disconnection from what I truly wanted was an insult to what arises when you allow what is already there, to be there.
In other words, it was an insult to a recognition of a sort of inherent natural support. At odds with the concept of “going together.”
In this visual culture of ours, where things are often only believed if they are seen, it’s perhaps no wonder that there may be a belief that aloneness and non-aloneness are qualities you can see.
You’ve got pictures on the ‘gram with lots of people? Not alone. Not very many followers? Alone. Married with children? Not alone. Single? Alone. Have a “community?” Not alone. And so on and so forth.
But these are just symbols. Just labels in search of a concept.
And thus, on today, I ponder the value of taking some time to be what some may consider “alone” to see what comes up.
To see what is there because it has always been there. Will always be there.
It’s not too late. It’s not too hard. It is perhaps, just what you need.
